It's quite shocking. When I was in middle school 2nd grade, I also have a thought of conspiracy. Exactly like what Satou think.
Like everybody was conspiring against me. Now that I know it's ridiculous, it quite become heavier. Because to think that the problem was created by other people, means you have no responsibility over it. Dis-considering it means that you are simply too worthless to be counted living. But it's true. Thinking of conspiracy is only an easy way out, to run away from the truth that you have to struggle for your own life. It is your mistake that you become like this, don't blame something so invisible like conspiracy.

Instead of blaming, try to figure something out. Or just simply pray, and fix our mind from the tendency of negative thinking. Just relax, try to make peace with the situation. Human's worth are not determined by what they had accomplished, but by how they think and feel about the All Seeing. Yeah, I know, nowadays religion seems to good to be true. But God is the one who can always be a place to run, to cry, to seek for help, the only one who will be truly hears your heart. Even when you have nobody around you. He will always be by your side.

I'm not a perfect man. Maybe even not yet a man. That one thing bothers me a lot back then. A man that is not yet a man and people around you pushes you to be a man but you seem to not developing any sign of manhood quality.

Indecisive,
passive,
slow minded,
inferior in high situations,
doesn't have my own opinion most of the time,
can't speak in public,
can't do jokes,
lack of initiative actions,
and so on.

It was all so burdening that time, and makes me run out of confidence. And lacking confidence is the worst kind of thing.

But when I went to high school, I got in into the club Haqiqi Theater. Its an artistic community. There, they pointed out the things I mentioned earlier. Well, not mentioning actually, they are so subtle in these kind of things. They guided me to the answers.

At first, what they exposed to me looks so unreal I can't believe it. It's impossible. But slowly, I kind of grasped what they said. And I do feel that they are right. That man is supposed to lead a leaderish life, even if they are not a leader of something big.

And now I pray to God to give me strength to be a better man. Living alone in another country won't be so bad to sharpen your life skill. I will conquer Japan!

Hmmm, NHK ni Youkoso was so nostalgic.